The role and title of being the reliable one in the family brings joy to some, forgetting that being too available to your parents and siblings can carry a hidden cost, especially if you’re married.
When you’re the self-proclaimed problem solver of the family, you will unintentionally put your spouse on the sidelines. That dynamic creates a slow-growing resentment because the emotional energy you should be putting into your marriage is directed towards managing other people’s crises.
A healthy marriage or relationship requires a protected space where the needs of the two of you come first. But when that space is constantly invaded by the demands of relatives and other outsiders, the foundation of the relationship begins to weaken.
An obvious sign that you’re putting others first is when your phone never stops ringing with family requests flowing in, or your calendar is full of activities and things you need to do or attend. At the same time, the time you spend with your partner is either rushed or cancelled altogether because you can’t make it.
If you feel guilty saying no to your mother or brother, that is another indicator that the balance has shifted.
When you’re constantly “on call,” it leaves very little room for your spouse to feel heard or valued. From a study carried out by the Gottman Institute, a healthy marriage is one where couples turn towards each other to build that oneness.
But when one spouse starts to turn towards their family instead, the other begins to feel secondary in their life. And although family may not be taking advantage of your availability out of spite, they may be doing so because of a pattern of convenience that was established even before you met your spouse. And since you always say “yes”, they don’t bother to look for other solutions.
They now depend on you as the resourceful relative who is always at the beck and call of everyone, since there are no boundaries set in place. They will continue to lean on you since there is no pushback.
When it gets to this point, you must set boundaries not out of unkindness but as a necessary step to save your marriage. Prepare to deal with some unhappy family members who may go as far as blaming your partner for “changing you”.
However, they need to understand you’re no longer the single, go-lucky brother or sister who could come through any time.
This involves saying no without providing a laundry list of excuses or explanations. Doing so only opens the door for them to argue and negotiate. Don’t do it.
They also need to understand that just because you’re prioritising your marriage now doesn’t mean you’re cutting them off. You’re simply putting limits on how often you help and how you do it. When you step back, it allows them to figure things out on their own while ensuring your spouse feels chosen and respected.
